The gray area of "red flags"

A few months ago, I went out with this guy, and the conversation segued into “red flags.”

Mind you, we’d been talking for a few weeks and had already discussed red flags prior to this specific moment. But he said something that stuck in my head regarding red flags he’d determined… about me. 

“I’m ignoring the reds right now, like vaping.” First – let me address this glaring “red flag” of mine, because I find it hysterical.

I vape nicotine. As a former smoker of 10+ years, I have no intention of giving up nicotine, and vaping is by far working for me much better than cigarettes — health-wise and, well,  otherwise. 

Now... this may shock you, but I dropped this dude very quickly.

Because 1. he’s an idiot and, 2. I consider this very loose definition of “red flags” …. a red flag, indeed.

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Since when did “red flag” mean whatever we want it to mean?

I’ve noticed this on the apps. People have gone crazy with defining red flags to be whatever serves them.

But, officially, what does a “red flag” actually mean?

Good ole Merriam Webster defines a red flag as: “A warning or sign of danger, irregularity, or problem. It can be used literally or figuratively.” Ok, cool. Regarding dating red flags, specifically, a quick google search pulls this up: 

Dating red flags include: controlling behaviors, not respecting boundaries, love bombing, gaslighting, pushing boundaries, constantly needing to be the center of attention, inconsistent communication, lack of respect for your time, excessive negativity, and not initiating plans or dates. 

Key points to watch for:

• Controlling behavior: Trying to dictate your actions, who you can see, or what you wear. 

• Lack of respect for boundaries: Ignoring your comfort levels or pushing you to do things you don't want to do. 

• Love bombing: Showering you with excessive attention and affection too early in the relationship. 

• Gaslighting: Making you doubt your own reality or perception of situations. 

• Inconsistent communication: Ghosting, hot and cold behavior, or not responding for long periods. 

• Always needing to be the center of attention: Dominating conversations or constantly seeking validation

• Not initiating plans: Always relying on you to suggest dates or make the first move. 

• Excessive negativity: Constant complaining, criticizing others, or focusing on the negative aspects of situations. 

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Now, everyone is going to have a set of red flags based on their past relationship/life experiences. For example, mine include: Treating servers rudely at restaurants

Why? I’ve found this belittlement can be attributed to abusive, controlling behavior and a lack of personal accountability. 

Blaming their circumstances on anything other than themselves 

Why? Once again, lack of accountability, and also… rationalization. 

Anything they don’t agree with is “wrong”

Why? This demonstrates a myopic point-of-view of the world and a lack of desire to learn or want to know and understand others’ experiences. 

So…. How can this lead to danger? Belittlement of others can indicate controlling and abusive characteristics. A lack of accountability for one’s own actions is a straight arrow to victim-blaming. And for that last one… if we aren’t willing (or wanting) to learn other POV’s, then how will we ever grow? If you’re “always right,” all signs point to the fact that you’re often wrong. 

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Why does this even matter?

If we start to mix non-red flags like "they chew with their mouth open" or "not having a social media presence" with actual red flags like gaslighting, controlling behavior, and manipulation, we are blurring the lines.

It sets both ourselves and future dating generations up for confusion and misunderstandings and can potentially cause some dangerous dating situations down the road.

Can we just collectively stop with the “red flags” unless they are actual red flag? If they don't indicate danger, they are simply non-preferences... which everyone has.

If your preference is to not date someone who vapes, that's cool. If you don't want to date outside your political party, that's fine (and common). From specific body types and religious backgrounds to certain education levels and beyond.... everyone has a set of standards they gravitate toward.

What are your experiences with "red flags" that are really non-red flags,?